Thursday, 16 July 2015

30 things I’d be happy to live without if my experience of them never occurred again

So, because of this, I was inspired to compile this.

30 things I’d be happy to live without if my experience of them never occurred again.

1. Game Of Thrones. I couldn't possibly ever give a shit, even if good money was thrown in.
2. Self Service Checkouts.
3. The film 'Up'. My life is tragic enough without showing me worse through the medium of CGI.
4. Flares. I hate you, Mother.
5. Smoked salmon
6. Claret. That shit tastes like socks. What's wrong with you people?
7. A night on Shell Island without alcohol or drugs
9. Ankle socks. I want comfort all the way up my shin or none at all.
10. Special chocolate for diabetics
11. Being sober around drunk people at 1am
12. Being sober
13. Black nail polish. From now on, Whitby Gothic Weekend has me as I come.
14. Being the focus of someone's extremely short sexual attention span
15. Radio 1
16. Realising your inner thighs have worn holes through your skinny jeans so the blob of flesh it emits look like my testicles have found an escape route.
17. Iain Duncan Smith
18. Glampers
19. People who discover I'm a goth and then squander valuable oxygen telling me about the time they once developed a reel of film for Ozzy Osbourne back in 1981.
20. American TV adverts (30 seconds of product sale followed by 5 minutes of legal disclaimer)
21. In The Night Garden. If you're a toddler, it's great. If you're an adult, that stuff will give you weapons grade nightmares.
22. Having to change razor brands because my favourite no longer exists.
23. Netflix's 'rated for you' selection. It's not, is it? You're just hoping I'll watch something that hasn't been seen since it was last available on Betamax format.
24. Steak. Sorry, I just don't.
25. People who stop to catch up in the middle of the shop aisle
26. Similar to above; people on mobility scooters who park themselves diagonally to browse
27. Charity chuggers, specifically those who can see that you're visibly laden down with bags of shopping in each hand
28. My inability to actually tear myself away from Independence Day whenever they show it on TV for the 50,000th time
29. Neglected looking pets. I don't have the space to steal them from their owners in the night and keep them here.
30. Cars with eyelashes on the headlights. I will burn your V5 document on the blazing pyre made from your immediate family.

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